Blogs  / April 1, 2015

Onclusive Fights for “Title Equality”

by Rebekah Iliff

Company Institutes Mandatory “CSO” Position For All

In an effort to fight for one of the most controversial equality issues of modern day tech culture, Title Equality, technology company Onclusive has announced it will change all employee titles to CSO.

“This was not an easy decision to make, because at first glance it seems to maximize role confusion,” says Sharam Fouladgar-Mercer, former CEO, now Chief Skrillah Officer. “We truly feel that given the complicated landscape of titles that currently exists, this would be the best course of action in order to demonstrate how highly we value each member of our team.”

This reorganization will empower all team members to over-inflate their importance while providing ample opportunity to confuse competitors and incumbents alike.

“People talk about moving from vertical to horizontal hierarchies, but we feel both of these hierarchies have one too many dimensions,” remarks Ryan Rapp, proud to be the newly appointed Chief Snark Officer.

“This move is also a strategic one,” adds Rebekah Iliff, who currently serves as Chief Strategy Officer and is the only team member not changing their title. “Retaining and attracting talent means you have to offer something no one else is offering, and this often means thinking outside the proverbial box. What’s more creative than giving everyone a ‘CSO�� title? I mean, I can’t really think of anything.”

title equality CSOTo better highlight the importance of his role in keeping the company’s office kitchen stocked, Patrick Liang will relinquish his Chief Architect title and will instead become Chief Snack Officer.

Software engineer Vincent Park has earned the title Chief Save-the-Day Officer for his uncanny ability to sleuth out important intel, which has historically had huge impact on the success of Onclusive.

One of the most recent engineers to join the team, Andres Portillo, will assume the Chief Spanish Officer title, as he has recently agreed to offer private tutoring to anyone in the company who wants to learn Spanish.

The newest member of Onclusive, Andrew Carpenter, was dubbed Chief Sprig Officer as the team is still unclear if he eats lunch from any other vendor. His title will be up for review after he completes his 2nd week of work.

Leta Soza, the company’s PR Engineer, has affectionately been given the title of Chief Saucy Officer. HR refused to comment on this, but the Chief Spokesperson Officer did say this: “Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade.”

The company has also extended honorary CSO titles to close confidants and part-time members of the Onclusive team. For example, the corporate yoga instructor, Ashley Bening, will now be known as the Chief Stretching Officer; and managing partner of talkTECH, Kristen Tischhauser, who is frequently used for C-suite image consultation, will now be donned Chief Style Officer.

“Ultimately, we don’t want people to feel confined by their titles,” adds Rajagopal Sathyamurthi, who until today was Onclusive’s CTO but now is proudly known as Chief Shar Officer, in honor of his wife. “In fact, we view this move as a decision that will energize all parties and set us apart from the classic C-suite.”

Some have called this move just shy of brilliant. While others have called it the most ridiculous-slash-inspired April Fool’s Day post to ever hit an industry blog.

Time will tell, but for now the company is excited to have “Title Equality” – even if only for a day.